Appendix Eight – Bloopers

Blooper 1.  Exton Park

“Look at that.  That’s different.  It’s not a hawk.  Did you see that?   Look at that.  So, George, did you see that?  That’s not a bird that we’ve seen so far today.  How about that?”

“It’s a pigeon.”

“Oh… Okay…  Ha ha.”

 

Blooper 2.  At the kitchen table

“So what are you writing about?”  

“I’m picking out songs for my funeral.  So far I have the version of ‘Amazing Grace’ by Drop-kick Murphies and ‘Spirit in the Sky’ by Norman Greenbaum.”

“Are you sick?  Are you dying?”

“Not as far as I know.”

“Are you expecting to die soon?”

“Nope.  I sure hope not.”

“Then isn’t that a little weird.”

“Maybe.  But I don’t want you or the kids to have to be bothered with this in the future.  Maybe I’ll put it in the book.”

“I don’t think you should put that in the book.  It’s really creepy.”

“Okay.  If you think so.  Consider it cut out!  Gone.”

 

Blooper 3.  In the back yard

Bill’s imaginary friend Infinity is out in the back yard communicating with the robins and sparrows.  You can’t really say talking to them, because Infinity doesn’t have a head.  He is a little, headless, nude guy who somehow communicates using a kind of telepathy.  He understands Thrush, Sparrow, and three dialects of Finch – Gold, Purple, and House.

“… He’s writing a book about birding, but hardly mentions robins or sparrows at all.”

“I don’t think he understands us.”

“That’s for sure.  He can barely tell the difference between a Chipping Sparrow and a Song Sparrow.  As far as Lincoln’s Sparrow or Field Sparrow or Fox Sparrow, it’s a crap shoot.”

“Maybe we should do something to attract his attention a little more.”

“Are you thinking like a mass attack of bird droppings on his SUV.  That would get his attention.”

“How about we give him an award?  Like ‘Honorary Thrush of the Year’ or ‘Best Friend of the Sparrows’.  I bet he would love that.”

“But what about all the other birders who are so much more deserving?”

“Well we just won’t tell them.  Besides, he’ll think we are serious and the entertainment value of seeing him get all happy and emotional will be awesome.”

“It might work”

“Okay, you’ll have to tell him.  We’ll get some worms and sticks and make up something to give him tomorrow morning.”

 

Blooper 4. A conversation with the editor

“You don’t put bloopers in a book.”

“Why not?”

“Because it doesn’t make any sense.”

“Oh.  Okay.”